THE VOICE OF A PROPHET
Chapter Twenty Three
MYUTO
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It’s amazing how quiet days become once you stop doing your usual, everyday things.
How silent your surroundings can be when you’re completely alone.
How soundless life appears once you’ve lost everything you’ve been living for.

I hadn’t left my tiny apartment in a whole week.  Not even to buy food.  Am I pathetic?  Helpless, really.  Kaoru told me to take as much time as I needed to feel better… but he’s been calling my cell non-stop for the past three days now.  I still didn’t feel better.  Of course, he’s only worried that I’m missing so much practice.  Everything revolves around the band – that, and a pretty boy’s face to fuck.  I didn’t have the heart (he broke it, remember?) to tell Kaoru that there was no band now.   At least, not one with Kyo in it.  They could go on without me.  I’m just a useless, rotting carcass now.  I can’t sing.  I can’t perform.  I can’t love.
In the days following my doctor’s visit I was so upset about losing my band, that I made some pretty drastic changes to myself.  Not only in my attitude, but in my appearance.  After all, Kaoru only liked the lovely ones, right?  I could never be one of them.  I was no longer in a visual band either, so why bother?  In my spare time – lord only knows I have enough of it now – I took scissors to my bright blonde locks.  Sheared them all off.  My hair was so short that I could run fingers through it, and it would stand up without effort.  I punched a safety pin through my ear a couple more times.  Then I did it to my eyebrow.  Trying to make myself as vulgar as possible, so that I would never be misled again.  Plus, I learned something about myself as I winced to the sharp prick, making a soft sound as I punctured my flesh.  I like pain.  I like breaking my skin, drawing blood.  I like making myself cry.  

Just like how I love to feel wretched when my heart withers away within my chest.
       Maybe I’ve finally lost it, and I just keep telling myself it feels good.

I even ignored rings from Inoue-san, I didn’t want him to yell at me.  To threaten me with a paycheck.  Like I didn’t already know what this meant for me.  Every other member of the band has tried calling me at least twice too, I think Kaoru’s making them do it.  Nobody cares.  Especially not that bassist.  
I did however at least try to maybe write some poetry.  To get out of my system the poison that was slowly killing me.  To be able to at least put everything down on paper, and then burn it to forget about it.  I couldn’t even do that much though.  I was dead.

At least until I heard a faint rapping on my front door.

Looking through the haze of smoke that exhaled carelessly through my nostrils I rolled my attention to the sound, slouched thoughtlessly upon my couch.  Was it a solicitor?  I didn’t usually get them in my complex, but… who knew.  Maybe it was the landlord coming to tell me that I fucked up somewhere and I had to move out, lose that too.  I didn’t stir until I heard it again, louder this time.  Five solid knocks trying to rouse me from my zombie-like position on the cushions.  With a groan I pushed myself to bare feet, plodding across carpet as I switched the smoke from one corner of my mouth to the other.  Placing both palms against the wood I popped up onto tip-toes, looking through the peep-hole at my mysterious visitor.
It was Kaoru.  The vibrant purple strands would be hard to mistake, even shoved underneath that gray beanie as they were.

I only sneered at the back of my door and turned away.  Fuck him.  I even flipped the man the bird, despite the fact that he didn’t have x-ray vision and wouldn’t see my loving little gesture.  Normally I might have been ecstatic about the love of my dreams coming over to my tiny apartment on his own accord, on our own private time – but no.  All he wanted to do was convince me to go to practice.  I was done with that stupid crush.  Done with my broken career.  Done with him.
“Kyo? “
I only dropped back onto my couch with a heavy sigh, kicking up my heels and resting them against the low rise coffee table I had there.
“Kyo-san, I know you’re in there.  You don’t ever go anywhere.”
What an asshole.  I could be gone buying groceries or something.  I was almost out of cigarettes after all.  I exhaled another plume of smoke into the air and reached for the remote - maybe I could drown him out.
“… Kaoru?”
Surprisingly it wasn’t me that was uttering the guitarist’s name faintly filled with confusion, and just before I pressed the power button to my television, I glanced over my shoulder.  What was it, a fucking party outside of my house?  Frozen for a moment or two I quickly became frustrated with the murmurings not quite clear outside, and again I rose, leaning up against my door.  Eavesdropping in my own damn apartment.  I even peeked once more, though all I saw was leader-san’s fat head.
“… -what the hell, am I not allowed to worry?”  I heard from the guitarist.  “Why are you here then, Die?”
Great, it really was a house party.  Too bad none of them were invited.
“Tch, you never cared before.”  Came the surprisingly snappy remark from the redhead.  I plucked my cigarette from my lips and smothered it out thoughtlessly against the wood.
“… What is that supposed to mean?”  Kaoru’s voice was stern, and despite how I felt about him right now, it still sent shivers down my spine.  He’s so… powerful.  “He’s my fucking vocalist, of course I care.”  Too bad I’m nothing but to you.  “Am I supposed to believe you’re here for some other reason?”
Die only laughed.  “… -so blind, you know that?”  Was all I could hear.  He was right, really.  I’m doomed to be single forever.  Far too obsessed with the unattainable.
“You’re not answering any of my questions.”  Kaoru grumbled, and I could catch the irritance in his deep voice despite the fact that the pair was muffled behind thick wood.  “Get that guitar out of your ass and go home.  I’m not here to start a fight with you for whatever reason.”
I zoned out, practically laying up against the front door with my head bowed forward, arms hugging myself pathetically.  Yes, please go home, Die.  Then I’ll be all alone with my affections.  In my very own apartment.  Maybe we can have rough, angry make-up sex together.  I can pull on those long silky strands and tell him how much I hate him with every drive, making him cry for once underneath my tiny body as I rape and ravish the lead guitarist.
I’m sick.
I tickled just the pads of my long fingers over my own exposed nipples and caused myself to shiver, tracing down the middle seam of my naked torso until digits hovered curiously at the elastic waistband of my pajama pants.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cum into this silken attire late at night to disturbing thoughts - thankfully I do my laundry.
“… - to get my vocalist back on track.”  My ears hardly picked up Kaoru’s statement, myself rolling blissfully against the wood until my spine pressed up against it, mind burying itself in this haze of realization that the man I’d practically been stalking for years was simply standing right on my very front porch.
“Don’t you ever think about anything else but work?”  I answered the redhead for him in my head.  No.  That was a stupid question.  Kaoru’s my workaholic.  I allowed for my mouth to fall open as I inhaled a slow breath, stuffing both hands underneath the barrier of my PJ’s and gently cupping myself.
“If I didn’t, would I be here to check up on the wellbeing of one of my best friends?”  The leader replied bitterly.  I curled slender appendages around my sex and tipped my skull back, letting the blonde strands flatten up against the door.  Would you look at that.  I’m one of his best friends.  “Unlike the rest of you rabbits, I would much like to keep a career.”
Well shit.  Someone told him my secret.  I rubbed slowly over the tiny slit in the head of my shaft, exhaling hotly as I traced pink lips with a wet tongue.  Kaoru is right on the other side of that door.  He came to see me.  And look – I’ve got an erection being so close to him…
“Big talk for the person who already slept around.”
Don’t remind me.  I’m trying to forget it ever happened.  I’m trying to forget a lot of things.  Kaoru sighed slowly before replying, as if he was thinking hard on his answer, and I could feel his weight suddenly up against the door on the other side.  I bit back a moan at the very idea of our bodies being so close, only separated by a mere slab of wood.  Would he finally explain why he did it?  Would he deny having done it to begin with?  
              “Are you jealous?”  … Certainly not the answer I was expecting.  Was my Kaoru proud of sleeping with Toshiya?  That idea stung even more inside of my wretched chest.  “That’s the only reason I can come up with as to why everyone’s so worked up over the damn thing.”  He muttered.  I frowned, giving my arousal a sharp squeeze.  Jealous.  Very much so.  I wish you would have fucked me instead of the bassist.  Is he good at giving head?  You should have just given me a chance; I’d even swallow for you.
I caught Die’s laughter before he spoke up again.  “Me?  No.  Though how you can’t see the obvious feelings you’ve shattered  is beyond me.”
I froze.  He wasn’t talking about my feelings… right?  He’s talking about Toshiya.  He’s been whining to all of us ever since that day about the whole ordeal like one of us could make it better.  Like Kaoru would just change his mind and feel like a dick, asking him to be his boyfriend.  The thought made me sneer.  It has to be Toshiya.
Kaoru sighed again, and I shuddered upon hearing that heavy exhale just inches away.  I pumped my sex slowly, not even thinking that it was weird to be practically masturbating while two of my band members stood just outside, casually talking.
I told you I’m demented.

“There weren’t any feelings attached.”  My leader stated like he’s recited it a hundred times before.  “And if you’re falling for his tricks, then maybe you’ll be next.”  My ears could pick up the snide way he said it, and I could only frown.  So if I stopped loving him, he’d sleep with me?  Great.  Just give me a few years to undo everything my heart’s done already.  At least I’d have something to look forward to, right?
Die just… laughed.  Why?  What was so funny?  “Not Toshiya.”  Oh, perfect.  Not only did my leader sleep with someone else but apparently there was another who-

Shit, did Die know?  I yanked my hands out of my pants and quickly put my sluggish mind to work thinking back on our… relationship together.  If you could even call it that.  Had I ever slipped up?  I know I wasn’t much of a boyfriend, and we only lasted maybe a couple of days before I told him I didn’t like him…  but I don’t think I ever blurted out my reasoning why.  “And trust me, I don’t want you like that.”  Die chuckled again.  That eliminated two of four… unless he was lying.

I could feel Kaoru moving on the other side of the wood once more.  “I’m not here to play games.”  He spoke flatly, before moving to pound on my front door again.  The sound and feeling literally jolted me from my thoughts and I squeaked softly, shifting to peer through my peep hole once more as if I could see something new.  “Kyo, I know you’re in there, I can smell the cigarette smoke.  Open up!”
My heart was racing as I lay pressed against the wood.  Did the knock scare me that much?  No… I had the sinking feeling that Die was about to blurt out my innermost secret – though not much of a secret anymore if he apparently knew, and soon really not hidden if he opened his big fucking mouth and told the other guitarist.  I kept repeatedly telling myself that maybe I was just over reacting…
But better safe than sorry, right?
Before thinking my actions over I threw open my front door, noting the way both older men startled and stared at my sudden appearance, wide-eyed.  I just pushed a crooked smile to my features unsurely – what else could I do?  “… hey.”
‘Hey’.  I couldn’t believe how casual I was.  I’m fucking retarded.  Several moments of silence passed between us and I gave the pair a confused, bitchy glance, before I realized that they must be taking in my new haircut and the pin in my eyebrow.
Oh, and maybe the fact that I’m half naked standing in only silk, and I probably have a hard on between my legs.  Brilliant, Kyo.
“Anou… hi, Kyo.”  Hi, lover.  Fuck – no, I’m supposed to hate you now.  Very much so.  My dark eyes darted back and forth from the two taller men, before I dare asked.
“… why are we having a party on my porch?”
Kaoru chuckled.  “Because apparently we’re missing out on the party you’re having inside.”
I glared at the lead guitarist maliciously, and not wasting another minute I turned back inside, slamming the door right in their faces.  I then lowered my vision and both my hands to my cock, to make sure the thing wasn’t protruding stiff from underneath those loose pajamas.  Damnit.  Sneering at myself I tried to tuck my arousal away, pushing down on it with a palm.  I could faintly hear the two of them arguing some more right outside, something about how stupid it was that I had finally opened the door and Kaoru just had to go and open his big fat mouth.

A mouth I wouldn’t mind wrapping pretty lips around my hard-

“What?!”  I turned around and growled at my front door, voice reverberating from practiced chords and irritation painfully obvious in my vocals.  The chattering outside immediately ceased as I exhaled hotly, staring at the wood like I could see right through it.  Get the fuck off my front porch.  Get the fuck away from my apartments.  I don’t want anything to do with you.
With either of you.
“Kyooo…”  Kaoru dragged out with a heavy sigh, sounding muffled.  “Please, let me talk to you.  It’s been seven days.”
“I can hear you just fine.”  I snapped back, kicking at the back of my couch angrily and ignoring the dull thud that met my naked toes somewhat painfully.
“Fine.”  My leader replied.  “I’ll just sit here and wait until you come out.”  There was hushed shuffling outside, and soon I heard the sound of his body weight easing down my door.  I turned around to stare at it again, furrowing my brows.  No.  
“You’ll be waiting a long time, I’ve already got a record going for me.”  I curtly replied, and with that I finally returned to the right side of my couch, sunk into the cushions and without waiting another minute, I snatched up the remote and my eyes were met with the bright flash of power as my screen hummed on.  The sound of the newscasters droned in my ears and I could no longer hear what was going on outside, nor did I really care at this point.  I already knew what he was going to tell me.  That it was alright and that everyone believed in me or some such bullshit.  That everyone missed me.  Funny, I was unaware that anyone even liked me.  That he just wanted me to at least try and sing.  Sorry, but I can’t even write anymore.  It’s not just my fucked up sound.
I’m done for.

I sat there brewing for quite some time.  I finished what I had started earlier and came with a quiet, muffled cry into the back of my hand just for the sake of getting rid of my erection.  I tried to watch a movie, but by the time it was finished, I hardly even remembered what it was about.  I smoked a second cigarette in the time it took for all of the credits to stop rolling.  Leaning forward I dropped the butt end into my ash tray, fingers sinking into the power button with my other hand and throwing me into darkness.  It must be late, the sun was set.
I wonder if those clowns were still sitting on my damn porch.
Slowly pushing to my feet I padded around the couch again, disappearing down the hallway to grab a t-shirt to cover up with.  As I returned I reached out to click on the living room light, bathing the entire area in a soft yellow glow.  I sighed heavily as chocolate orbs darted to the door, but my curiosity was killing me.  I’d seriously skull smash them if they were still sitting there.  Moving I quietly placed my palms up against the wood of my door, lifting to my tip toes to peer out the tiny hole there.
There was no one around.
Reaching down I unlocked it and met with the outside air, just to be sure.  I wasn’t expecting what I saw, however.  Honestly, I was expecting quite the opposite.

Curled up at my feet was the very man I despised with all of my being right now.
Or, at least I wished I did.

The very sight of him softened my anger even if just a little, propped up against the wall with a single elbow.  Was he… asleep?  I came out further, stepping around his relaxed form curiously.  When he didn’t stir to the quiet sound of bare footsteps on cement, I found myself smiling gently.  Kaoru had waited outside this entire time, just because he really wanted to talk to me?  Maybe he did care more than I gave him credit for.  After simply staring at him for a few long moments and debating what my next actions would be, I slipped back inside, leaving the door open for now.  I headed for my cell, leaning over the back of the couch to grab it before returning to my secret post.  As my fingers slowly flipped the phone open, I noticed that I was trembling slightly.  Afraid that I would wake him and he would catch me watching?  Probably.  Completely unaware of the way I was cautiously holding my breath I positioned the camera just right, capturing a little snapshot to remember forever that the object of my long desires was camped outside on my very porch.  As the shutter clicked and gave me away I quickly flipped it closed again, hiding the damn thing behind my back with an acute paranoia.  
Does that make me a creep?  I felt like a stalker.  Oh wait – I am a freak.

The musician on the ground stirred, and I swallowed heavily, setting my features  to a scowl as I remembered to exhale.  I’m still mad at him, remember?  As he struggled to a seat I huffed, speaking flatly as if he were stupid.
“What are you doing.”
The guitarist yawned, stretching arms over his head and taking his time to answer me.  “I told you, I want to talk to you.”  I took moment to finally glance around for any sign of the redhead then, wondering if they both were fucking mental.  I was met with emptiness however, nothing but the sound of cars driving by.

… Kaoru is alone at my house…

“Can I come in?  Or are you going to slam the door in my face again?”
I peered at the elder, giving him a sneer.  “I don’t know.  Are you going to make fun of my dick again?”
Kaoru just laughed.  “I couldn’t help but notice it, Kyo.  Now I know where all of your height went.”
I felt my cheeks heat up immediately, and wanted to kick him in the head for it.  Of course instead I was left standing there like a fucking fool, sharp eyes wide with surprise as my mouth fell open without thought.  He rose to his feet, gesturing inside.  “If you have such a problem with me coming in, we can talk out here.  I promise I won’t say anything though if you want to take a moment to ‘clean up’.”
I just… gasped.  Did he hear me?!  No way.  I had the damn television on, and I was quiet.  My brows furrowed tightly together as I just stared at him, finally remembering to close my gaping maw like whatever he was blabbing about didn’t affect me at all, whatsoever.  “Then talk.”
Kaoru exhaled a long, heavy sigh, shifting into a much more comfortable position upon the cold concrete in the dark.  Only the porch light illuminated the two of us, and I quietly pulled my front door closed.  I was going to be dinner for the mosquito’s tonight.   “Kyo…” he began, and I found myself slumping as if I was preparing to be scolded.  “There’s something else bothering you other than your doctor visit.”
Yes, genius, there’s a number of things I hate right about now.  Letting my back slide down the wood as well my ass joined his on the ground, pulling limbs into a crossed position as I moved hands into my lap.  I remained silent however, plush tiers pulled into a delicate frown as I stared down at my naked toes stupidly.
“You can tell me.  I do worry for you, you know.  We are friends.”
The way he said it made him seem so sure about it.  What if I disagreed?  Lonely little Kyo, with nobody to consult with.  Perhaps a part of me even preferred it that way.  I stared long and hard, wordlessly for several minutes, chocolate orbs softening slightly as I felt all of my anger slowly dissipating.  Damn him.  Kaoru seemed to have a world of patience as I struggled inwardly with myself, and eventually I parted my lips, muttering in a low, hushed voice.

“… … … I ran out of cigarettes.”

The elder man chuckled and it couldn’t help but bring a soft smile to my pouting lips.  He shifted, reaching into a back pocket and offered me one of his own smokes, lighter soon following afterward.  I didn’t really want to light up another so soon so instead I just rolled the cylinder in between long fingers thoughtfully, lifting sharp eyes to finally meet his.

“… want to come inside?”